Data Outage Results in Death of Verizon Wireless Guy

Verzion Wireless users across the nation are reporting 3G & 4G Data Outage across the nation. No official reports from Verizon has been made yet, but the overwhelming number of complaints posted on the official Verizon Wireless forum states that users are having trouble accessing the network. More outages are expected during the Holiday season where low-life lonely losers will be streaming porn through their cell phones while jacking off in the bathroom with their own tears of sorrow as lubricant. But this is not the end to your sad story.

The Verizon Wireless Guy, pictured above has been found dead.

Read more of the story after the jump.

Paul Marcarelli, most commonly known as the “Can You Hear Me Now?” guy has been found dead near Lincoln Highway, NY, yesterday evening.
He was found with multiple stab wounds to the back with what seemed to be the newest Motorola RAZR (Android) model.
His thick framed glasses were completely destroyed and his trademark Verizon jacket was ripped to shreds.
Local authority stated that this “tragedy” was probably a reaction from Verzion users who experienced difficulty in accessing the data network, which caused teenagers to lose Facebook friends at a rapid pace cause panic and mild depression.

Marcarelli’s family has been notified and issued a statement of confusion,sadness,and gratitude to those who are in support of their son’s untimely death.
“He was a leader. His people trusted him. Why else would a million people march with him everywhere he goes? I never wanted him to graduate from Ivy League, or become the most successful businessman. He became the beacon of signal for those who were lost. We’re devastated that it took a death for all of us to finally….’hear him’.”

Verizon Wireless will be offering 12KB of free data usage in honor of Paul for the whole month of Christmas. Which amounts to half of the Google search engine loading.

We will miss you Paul.
It’s your turn to hear us.

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